MORE SURRENDER

May 2003 healing journal:

"I don't want to be plus-size any more!  I choose to eat in a healthy manner and to cook things I like that are good for me.  I turn this power over to you, my God.  I also ask my holy mothers, angels and guides to surround me with the safe light of travel and healthy thinking.  Amen."

Today, ten years later, I ask again.

Namaste.

MORE SURRENDER

This morning, Little Ros asked me to read and write some more and I think that might be a good thing to do.

Right before I was to leave for another summer working in Colorado I wrote, "I went from living my parents life to living my husbands lives and working everything around them."  This brings back a memory from when my children were young.  EVERY SUNDAY we went to Pop's house in Opelousas.  although I tried to learn the French language that they all spoke constantly, I was left out of most conversations.  I felt very alone and thought every time they laughed it was at me!!!

Today I wonder why I went.  Today I would not go.  Today it is hard to contemplate.

My journal continues, "When they betrayed me I had nothing left.  I HAD NO ME! But I searched and found that authentic self and I am living that SELF pretty well now."

"Now I an learning to nurture some parts of me that were lost while I nurtured other people."

Then a voice other than mine asked, "Little Ros, how are you today?" 

"Busy doing happy things with my dog Sparks."

"Do you know dear, Sparks means light, and you are full of light."

"I am?  I always saw myself as dull and drab.  I will start to think of myself as light.  Like sparklers.  I've always loved sparklers!"

Big Ros said, "I'll bring you some."

"Goodie."

Big and little Ros say Namaste.

MORE SURRENDER

I am still going through old journals (please  remember that I have years and years of them).   Since this is probably the only way you will get to read parts of them, because my Boo agreed to burn them when I am gone, lest something I have written to myself, might hurt you.

This journal has drawings and pictures in it and was a result of my dearest therapist, Carole, inviting me to talk to my inner children.  I created a bedroom just for six year old Ros, with white furry rugs on the floor and plenty of place to dance around in my twirley skirts.  I'm certain that is why I still love wearing my skirts! 

Big Ros and I baked cookies, planted flowers, "already blooming," and talked and played together.

One day big Ros said to me, "You are so beautiful and special and dear."

"Oh, thank you.  I was worried you still didn't like me!"

"Oh. darling girl, I am sorry you ever felt that way.  I guess I was just so busy with LIFE that I let it come between me and your/our needs.  I will love you and nurture you better and better now that I know how to find out what you need."

Smiling, little Ros said, "Oh good.  I love you and almost trust you now."

"I love and trust you my darling girl."

"Oh, goodie.  Bye"

I can't tell you, dear readers, how powerful these written words of many years ago have touched me again.  And I vow to talk to little Ros as often as I can.  We have lots of fun things yet to do together!!!

I invite you to find that little child inside of yourself and talk and play and laugh and cry, too.

Namaste.

THE BLUES

Through winds and rain and many lengthy storms I have pursued my mosaic walk in the back yard.  And I am almost done!  I have considered re-doing parts of it but life is short and there are many other fun things I wish to do.  So here it almost is, bumps and dips and all!!

Outside I have been rewarded by many blooms and blue is my a favorite color flower.  Salvia-

Plumbago, my Momma's favorite-

And this next one shall remain nameless.  It's a vine that Kim bought me in Galveston last year and it is really showing off!!

I hope playing in your garden brings you as much joy as I am having in mine.

Namaste.

SURRENDER

I am re-reading Julie Smiths mysteries about New Orleans and loving them again.  Today I read, "And a lovely thing like an electric current, except nice and soft and cozy, started at the top of his head and spread through his body."

Hey my kiddoes, this is exactly the way I felt the first time I saw your Papa,  and I still feel that way.  (Most days!!!)

Can you remember the first time you saw YOUR loved one??

Namaste.

RHYTHM

"I got music, I got rhythm, I got my girl(s), who could ask for anything more!"  These are lyrics of a song from the forty's-ish, one my Momma sang to me.

I had a superlative visit to New York City recently, a birthday gift from two of my baby girls.  Among the many highlights of our trip was seeing their rhythm as they danced on the BIG piano at F.A.O. SCHWARZ!

I usually spend weekend afternoons in my BIG chair in front of the television, so yesterday I was able to play with my NYC souvenirs and paste fun stuff in my scrapbook.

I surrendered to play.  
You should too.

Namaste.

SURRENDER

Is it possible to wait a whole month without writing?  I sit at my desk today hoping for inspiration.

I am filled with thoughts and memories of friends I no longer have in my life and gratitude for friends that I do.

I am attempting to not hold my breath.  It seems like I have been holding my breath my whole life!  Waiting for the next shoe to fall.

But wait.  I don't have to hold my breath anymore.  I have a Higher Power that can and will do that for me.  Why can't I continue to remember that?

I breath in the glorious outdoors and rejoice in the sunshine.  I dance in the rain and sing "like nobody's listening."

Serenity is mine if I ask.

And I ask.
Namaste.